I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
