im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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