I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
