She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
nutella sex= disaster
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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