____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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