Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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