Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
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Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
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You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?