So drunk its hurt
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
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We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
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When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We were destined to go to rehab together
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night