Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.