I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
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It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I stole a fireplace last night.
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Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.