dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.