I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
