Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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