Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
