Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
even my farts smell like vagina
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done