I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
