My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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