My liver just broke up with me...
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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