I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
