i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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