Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
