id be glad to
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
