five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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