Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
