I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
