i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
