I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
