There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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