Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
