She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
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Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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