Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It's official drugs can't kill me
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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