This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
