I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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