I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
