i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
