I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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