I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
