oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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