Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
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I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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