if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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