I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
