What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
