Can Purell be used as lube?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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