so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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