i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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