Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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