I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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