Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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