i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
