God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
