My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
