I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
