If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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