I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
