i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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