Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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