this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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