Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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