i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
