my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
wow bdsm is so cute
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
