I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
