You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
